Please update your dictionaries to reflect the definitions that have been revised to reflect modern usage:
ARGUMENT – A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but your opponent just hasn’t realized it yet.
PATIENCE – The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
MACINTOSH – The missing link between Nintendo and IBM.
JUNK – Stuff we throw away.
STUFF – Junk we keep.
JURY – A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
SAINT – A person who behaves decently in an indecent society (Kurt Vonnegut)
ADOLESCENCE – A stage between infancy and adultery.
MODERN ART – What happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
EXPERIENCE – Recognizing a mistake when you’ve made it again.
SECRET – Something you tell to one person at a time.
ADMIRATION – Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
ALCOHOLIC – Someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
BOY – A noise with dirt on it.
DRUG – A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
FRIENDS – People who know you well, but like you anyway.
GAMBLING – The sure way of getting nothing for something.
HAPPINESS – An illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality
IRS – Income Reduction Service.
JUSTICE – A decision in your favor.
LAWYER – The larval stage of politicians.
LIBERAL – Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.
ON-LINE – The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
OPTIMISM – A guy who gets married at ninety and buys a house near a school.
PARANOID – Someone who just figured out what’s going on.
PESSIMIST – A well-informed optimist.
OPTIMIST – A well-instructed pessimist.
CONSCIENCE – That which hurts when everything else feels so good.
POLITICALLY CORRECT – Always having to say you’re sorry.
LOGIC – The art of being wrong with confidence.
MAINTENANCE FREE – Impossible to fix.
COMPUTER – A device designed to speed up and automate errors.
MARRIAGE – 1. A very expensive way to get your laundry done. 2. A triumph of imagination over intelligence.
POLITICS – Poli (many) – tics (blood sucking parasites)
MULTITASKING – Reading in the bathroom.
BUDGET – A method for going broke methodically.
TOE – A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.