Take twelve whole months.
Clean them thoroughly of all bitterness, hate, and jealousy.
Make them just as fresh and clean as possible.
Now cut each month into twenty-eight, thirty or thirty-one different
parts, but don't make the whole batch at once. Prepare it one day at a
time out of these ingredients.
Mix well into each day one part of faith, one part of patience,
one part of courage, and one part of work.
Add to each day one part of hope, faithfulness, generosity,
and meditation, and one good deed.
Season the whole with a dash of good spirits,
a sprinkle of fun, a pinch of play, and a cupful of good humor.
Pour all of this into a vessel of love.
Cook thoroughly over radiant joy, garnish with a smile,
and serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness.
You're bound to have a Happy New Year!
[ author unknown ]
We polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
A farm can produce produce.
The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
The present is a good time to present the present.
At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
The dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance for the invalid was invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
Pearls melt in vinegar.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's
supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal
ads for dating are already married.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income
comes from the sale of vodka.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every
letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two
communications)
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without
repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only
the left hand.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, and purple.
"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English
language.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the
days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The
horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how
to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie."
(Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king
from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the
Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted
people without killing them used to burn their houses down -
hence the expression "to get fired."
Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on
July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest
signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added
until 5 years later.
Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that
makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.
An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.
The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army
for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest
point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium
has ever won a Superbowl.
The only two days of the year in which there are no
professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the
day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween"
was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the
top and sinking to the bottom.
Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were
freshman roommates at Harvard
The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually
indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they
could be confused at a crime scene.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
James Doohan, who plays Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on
Star Trek, is missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in
every five must be straight. These straight sections are
usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
:-) Richard & Lisa Ledger (-:
Was sent this warning. Good thing to watch for! It is true. I checked with AT&T today.
It's best to be forwarned...
Got a call last night from an individual identifying himself as an AT&T
Service technician who was conducting a test on our telephone lines. He
stated that to complete the test I should touch nine (9), zero (0), the
pound sign (#) and then hang up.
Luckily, I was suspicious and refused. Upon contacting the telephone
company, I was informed that by pushing 90#, you give the requesting
individual full access to your telephone line, which allows them to
place long distance telephone calls billed to your home phone number. I was
further informed that this scam has been originating from many of the local
jails/prisons. I have also verified this information with UCB telecomm,
Pacific Bell, MCI, Bell Atlantic, GTE and NYNEX.
Please beware. DO NOT press 90# for ANYONE. The GTE Security
Department requested that I share this information with EVERYONE I KNOW. PLEASE
pass this on to everyone YOU know. If you have mailing lists and/or
newsletters from organizations you are connected with, I encourage you to pass on
this information to them, too.
Please update your dictionaries to reflect the definitions that have been revised to reflect modern usage:
ARGUMENT - A discussion that occurs when you're right, but your opponent just hasn't realized it yet.
PATIENCE - The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
MACINTOSH - The missing link between Nintendo and IBM.
JUNK - Stuff we throw away.
STUFF - Junk we keep.
JURY - A group chosen to decide who has the best lawyer.
SAINT - A person who behaves decently in an indecent society (Kurt Vonnegut)
ADOLESCENCE - A stage between infancy and adultery.
MODERN ART - What happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves that they have a better idea.
EXPERIENCE - Recognizing a mistake when you've made it again.
SECRET - Something you tell to one person at a time.
ADMIRATION - Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
ALCOHOLIC - Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
BOY - A noise with dirt on it.
DRUG - A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
FRIENDS - People who know you well, but like you anyway.
GAMBLING - The sure way of getting nothing for something.
HAPPINESS - An illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality
IRS - Income Reduction Service.
JUSTICE - A decision in your favor.
LAWYER - The larval stage of politicians.
LIBERAL - Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.
ON-LINE - The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
OPTIMISM - A guy who gets married at ninety and buys a house near a school.
PARANOID - Someone who just figured out what's going on.
PESSIMIST - A well-informed optimist.
OPTIMIST - A well-instructed pessimist.
CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.
POLITICALLY CORRECT - Always having to say you're sorry.
LOGIC - The art of being wrong with confidence.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
COMPUTER - A device designed to speed up and automate errors.
MARRIAGE - 1. A very expensive way to get your laundry done. 2. A triumph of imagination over intelligence.
POLITICS - Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
MULTITASKING - Reading in the bathroom.
BUDGET - A method for going broke methodically.
TOE - A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.