Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.
As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson said: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is
great and that we are small. Meteorologically, it
tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?
Holmes: "Watson, you bonehead. Somebody stole our
tent."
This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
Sex: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down:73 mph in a
55 mph zone. It was his fourth time getting stopped in four months. How
could a guy get a break?
The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from church?
Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming
ticket. A Christian cop catching a guy who happened to be a little eager
to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play
golf with tomorrow. Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw
every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me red-handed in a rush to see my wife and kids."
"Yeah, I guess."
Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the
rules a bit." Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said
something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"
"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our
precinct."
Ouch. This wasn't going in the right direction. Time to change
tactics. "What'd you clock me at? Seventy-one?"
"Would you sit back in your car please?"
"Now, wait a minute there, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was
barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
"Please Jack, in the car."
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-opened door. Slamming
it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the
window. The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad. Why
hadn't he asked for a diver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat
near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left.
There was Bob, folded paper in hand. Jack rolled down the window a mere
two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack couldn't quite keep the sneer out of his voice. Bob
returned to his car without a word.
Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of
paper. How much was this one going to cost? Wait a minute. What was
this? Some kind of joke? It certainly wasn't a ticket. Jack began to
read:
Dear Jack,
Once upon a time I had a daughter. She was six when she was killed by a
car. You guessed it. A speeding driver. A fine and three months in
jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters - all three of
them. I had only one, and I'm going to have to wait until heaven before I
can hug her again. A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A
thousand times I've thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it
again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful. My son is all I have
left. Bob
Jack twisted around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the
road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too
pulled away and drove slowly home.
Praying for forgiveness, he hugged a surprised wife and children when he
arrived.
Life is precious. Handle it with care. Drive safely and pay attention to
what you're doing.
Some Important Lessons Life Teaches You...
First Important Lesson- All are Important:
During my second month of nursing school, our
professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious
student and had breezed through the questions, until I
read the last one:
"What is the first name of the woman who cleans
the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her
name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward
our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In
your careers, you will meet many people. All are
significant. They deserve your attention and care,
even if all you do is smile and say 'hello'." I've
never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was
Dorothy.
Second Important Lesson~ Pickup in the Rain-To Serve Others
One night, at 11:30 PM, an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking
wet, she
decided to flag down the next car. A young white man
stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those
conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety and
helped her get assistance and put her into a taxi cab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant
console color TV was delivered to his home. A special
note was attached. It read: "Thank you so much for
assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain
drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits.
Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to
make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he
passed away. God bless you for helping me and
unselfishly serving others."
Sincerely, Mrs. Nat King Cole.
Third Important Lesson ~ Always remember those who serve you.
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much
less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop
and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him. "How much is an ice cream sundae?" he
asked. "Fifty cents," replied the waitress. The
little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain
dish of ice cream?" he inquired. By now more people were waiting
for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied." The
little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the
plain ice cream," he said. The waitress brought the ice cream,
put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy
finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped
down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty
dish, were two nickels and five pennies - You see, he
couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have
enough left to leave her a tip.
Fourth Important Lesson ~ The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's
wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply
walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not
keeping the roads clear. But none did anything about
getting the stone out of the way. Then a peasant came
along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching
the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and
tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After
much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he
noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder
had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a
note from the king indicating that the gold was
for the person who removed the boulder from the
roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never
understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to
improve our condition.
Fifth Important Lesson ~ Giving When it Counts
Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her
only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously
survived the same disease and had developed the
antibodies needed to combat the illness. Thedoctor
explained the situation to her little brother, and
asked the little boy if he would be willing to give
his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a
moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes,
I'll do it if it will save her." As the transfusion
progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and
smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to
her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile
faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked
with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die
right away?" Being young, the little boy had
misunderstood the doctor he thought he was going to
have to give his sister all of his blood in order to
save her. You see understanding and attitude, after
all, is everything.
"Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt,
and Dance like you do when nobody's watching."
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an ADULT. I have
decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to drink kool-aid, eat lemonheads and red hots with my friends.
I don't want to change clothes because I got a little dirty and my friends didn't care cause they were even dirtier than me.
I want to enjoy everyday like its summer vacation.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and tv show theme songs, but that didn't
bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't
care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware
of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again, like a new hot wheel car every saturday.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination and mankind.
I want to "dream of jeannie", and "bewitched". I want to go to "fantasy island" and take a trip on "the love boat".
I want to be in the roller derby and actually believe the three stooges are real.
So...here's my checkbook and My car-keys, my credit card bills and my
401K statements, my pager, my cellphone, my palm pilot, my fax machine
and my dvd player and last but not least my mortgate book. I am
officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this
further, you'll have to catch me first...cause.............
"TAG YOU'RE IT AND YOU HAVE COOTIES"